A Trip To Coevorden

There are moments that seem to unfold in perfect synchronicity to make something happen. This is the story of my first psychedelic experience. For many years, I've had a curiosity about psychedelics, but the right time and place didn't present itself until July 6th, 2017.

It was the unplanned visit to a "smart shop" in Amsterdam, where we met a girl from Fullerton, a city five minutes from our house on the other side of the globe. It was meeting strangers who felt like old friends in Coevorden where I would have the experience. It was seeing three giant mushroom statues in the park by the house where we were staying. These coincidences felt like a green light signaling... go for it.

Disclaimer:  Do thorough research on the laws around psychedelic substances in your region, and make sure you are in a safe setting with a guide that you trust. 

It was a beautiful sunny morning as we left to walk outside and have breakfast. We found a park bench close to our Airbnb, and I sat down to begin the experience. Ariel would be my sitter as I ate the Psilocybin truffles. Based on my research, I took the truffles on an empty stomach to experience the full effects. The truffles resembled walnuts, and I chewed them slowly until they dissolved in my mouth while repeating my intention to be open to whatever the experience would show me. In a positive state of mind, I hoped to perceive more clearly the truth, beauty, and goodness in myself and the world around me.

We walked a bit further to a beautiful park area that was across from a school and surrounded by the historic city water canal. We settled down next to some trees in the shade and I relaxed, patiently waiting for the journey to start.

The onset was very gradual, so much that I wondered if the truffles would even work thirty minutes in. I decided to lie down in the grass and close my eyes. A feeling of giddiness and anticipation started to arise, and I suddenly found myself laughing for no reason. It was contagious, and Ariel started laughing too. It reminded me of how uncontrollably I used to laugh when I was young...

The laughing eventually subsided and I opened my eyes to notice that the clouds above were more rich in color than usual. I saw layers of teal and purple inside of the grey and white clouds, and I could see the edges of the cloud moving in swirling patterns. I asked Ariel if she could see the same thing, and she assured me that the effects were coming on.

I moved my attention to the leaves above me, and noticed that when I held my gaze on the canopy, it took on a geometric quality. The image of the leaves or branches didn't change-- but I perceived it in a kaleidoscopic way, where everything felt symmetrically structured. It was beautiful to see. My attention drifted again, now to the sounds of the children playing in the school yard. Sound felt more dimensional and rich. It was a very peaceful sound to hear laughter from the distance drifting in and out.

I was sharing with Ariel what I was experiencing, as I was still comfortably self-aware. As I experienced these gradual shifts in my senses, I could easily talk about it and observe how it was different from my ordinary reality. Next, I decided to eat something, so I picked up the apple in our bag. I smelled the apple and started laughing again. It was the most aromatic apple smell I had ever experienced! The first juicy bite brought even more joy.

Do we always have access to this experience, or do our senses get numbed over time as we learn to live more in the world of thoughts?

About half an hour into the effects, a girl named Kelly came by. She was on her bike and had a little dog. She stopped next to us to say hello. I was surprised by how easily I could engage in conversation with her. Ariel seemed a bit concerned by how talkative I was. Who knew what I would say? Yet my social awareness was fully present. I spoke to her in Dutch and we talked about her dog. While taking to her, I started to get a strange impression of familiarity that would develop over the course of the trip. It felt as though I had met this woman before, even though she was a complete stranger. It was a feeling of recognition; a strong déjà vu.

She left and I continued to look around with curiosity. Every object that came into awareness took on a heightened interest. I looked at my hand and felt that I was noticing the detail of it for the first time. It was so rich in color and textured. I could see the pigment of my skin, and the purple and pink hue of my blood underneath. Along with this I perceived my body and Ariel's body as being very organic. The skin felt very earth-like and connected to the elements around us.

We eventually decided to walk back to the house. As I got up and started walking on the stone path, I was struck again by the intense visual detail and dimension that the path below my feet had, as if I could perceive the depth of each crack. It wasn't that I was seeing things that weren't there, but rather that I was seeing everything around me in extreme detail. On our walk home, the feeling of déjà vu returned. It could have been from walking this path the night before, but there was a deeper recognition. It felt like a pleasant familiarity with this place that forced me to share this epiphany many times with Ariel... "this all is so familiar!"

We made it back to the house and sat in our room to eat some food. I had a small sandwich with hummus. Ariel asked if my parents had ever experimented with mind-altering substances. I replied no... not that I knew of. What happened next came very quickly and unexpectedly. It was a moment of intense psychological fear. This is the point where I felt the experience of the psilocybin was becoming stronger than my own experience of directing my thoughts. The grip of my ego on reality was starting to loosen. My boat was shrinking into a small raft and I was floating on a vast unpredictable ocean.

I asked Ariel for some reassurance and she said it was going to be OK. As suddenly as the feeling came, it passed. I felt ready to lie down on the bed and make myself a bit more comfortable. This is where I would lie down for the next two hours with my eyes closed to experience the peak of my trip... now traveling inward, to a strange yet still familiar world.

I tried to center myself by breathing deeply, and my limbs started to feel heavy and tingly. On my exhale, I vocalized a humming sound which somehow felt comforting. Images started to drift through my mind. I perceived an image of my lungs in a very earth-like way, embroidered with floral patterns.  Breathing felt good. Another exhale... now I felt and saw the structure of my heart. I could sense the emotional experiences contained within my heart since childhood. It didn't look like the anatomy of a heart because other natural elements were part of the structure. I perceived patterns, as if wings were part of my heart. Another exhale... I moved to the stomach. I could feel laughter and joy in this region. It all felt so familiar...

I was traveling through the energetic and emotional landscape of my body.

My earliest experiences and memories were stored here. Somehow I knew this geography, because each image that came felt like it was deeply charged and recognizable to me. Perhaps these psychic images were my first symbolic understandings of the world, imprinted in early childhood.

At this point I wasn't directing the experience as much as simply receiving whatever came to me. More exhaling. More humming at increasing intensity as new images came to the surface. Some of the images felt like rooms. I felt there was a peaceful place in my heart region that reminded me of a little chapel. There was another room that felt like the location for crying. As I was navigating these regions I felt certain pains from the past resurface. Tears started flowing. I simply allowed the emotion to arise, releasing trapped energy in my emotional body from who knows how long ago? I asked Ariel to hold my hand and touch my arm. It felt healing in a way. I felt love and forgiveness for this pain of the past. As Ariel continued to put her hands on my face, memories of being caressed as a child came back. Important people in my life had image associations and locations. When my sisters came to mind, I saw a region that was positively charged in green light. I felt gratitude for my family.

More breathing... Next I came to a place that felt like punishment and I reflected on mistakes in my past. It was another room, and I reminded myself not to be afraid. I asked for love and forgiveness and said it out loud. I continued to move through what felt like window and doors, now ascending after my descent, until I reached the thought of God. A sense of peace and joy inhabited this place. It wasn't personified, but rather it was a feeling. It was Love.

Thoughts of fear couldn't penetrate this place. Again, it felt so familiar... I had known this place, this image, this feeling. I felt Ariel next to me and held her hand and told her about the experience. I told her she was God. It was all-encompassing. I felt the divine in our relationship at that moment. Ariel said you are peace. An image of a dove came to mind, in the form of the Picasso painting, the dove of peace.

Reflecting on it now, I'm reminded of the Les Miserable quote that, "to love another is to see the face of God."

Another exhale. I felt that "I" could review the significant moments of "my" life from this vantage point. Those quotes are included because my sense of individuality by this point felt very far removed. "I" was observing "myself" from a great distance. It all felt so dreamlike. Ordinary physical life seemed far away. More images of doors and windows decorated in floral patterns and colors moved past me. They all felt so familiar... it was something I knew from childhood but had long forgotten. Perhaps all children store early mental concepts in these rich and imaginative ways. I cannot imagine it was unique to me.

When I finally opened my eyes, I was happy to see Ariel and the room I was in. Everything felt familiar, down to the most tiny details. I remembered the exact position of Ariel's body and the color of her dress.

This is how it was, and this is how it was supposed to be. How can I explain this feeling? It felt like reality coming to meet itself again.

I had to go to the bathroom, and I got out of the bed slowly as my limbs were waking up again. It took a lot of effort! When I got to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and saw myself with new eyes. I studied my face as I had studied my hand earlier, appreciating all the lines, colors, and unique features. I laughed as I remembered to fully appreciate this face, this body and this mind. I talked out loud to myself, saying that this love and acceptance is what I want to share with all the people around me in the life I'm currently living. I started to feel the effects slowly coming down, and I savored the remaining moments as my ordinary self was reassembled. I came back to the room and told Ariel how much I appreciated her, and how beautiful she was, inside and out. And as smoothly as the experience began, it ended. Although there were difficult moments, as a whole it was a positive experience. In large part, I owe this to my brave and supportive guide Ariel, who gave me reassurance when I most needed it.

I left this experience with a newfound appreciation for how miraculous our bodies and minds are. The depth of what lies in the unconscious parts of ourselves is truly awe-inspiring. If we're willing to explore, what we find down there can help us remember the ineffable wonder of our living experience.

This quote by Peter Ragnar that I came across shortly after my experience gives a beautiful reflection...

"When my consciousness remains self contained, sensitivity is heightened and all things around me appear more alive. My immediate environment buzzes with a new kind of excitement. Nature appears to dance a new dance as if everything is brand new and is being seen for the very first time. But when I allow my attention to be diverted and distracted by the news, events or conditions which I have no control over, I find myself drugged which fills and steals my senses from the paradise of the moment. Thus, I return again and again to stroll about in the garden of my heart. When, oh when will the flowers and children become our teachers?"

Thank you to the amazing Chloe Fuller for writing a song inspired by this experience. It transports me right back to that summer day in Coevorden... ✨

Resources for further exploration:

Sam Harris / Tim Ferris / Michael Pollan / Decriminalize Nature / Reality Sandwich